What Your Favorite Wedding Tradition Says About You…A Trump Re-election Enthusiast
Do you love weddings? Do you regularly fantasize about a second term for Donald Trump? Or maybe just fantasize regularly about Donald Trump? See the list below to find out what your favorite outdated wedding tradition reveals about your personality!
The bride wearing a white gown.
You love seeing the bride evoke Queen Frostine from Candyland in her beautiful white gown because you feel it is essential that the bride reassure her wedding guests that she is, in fact, a virgin. If that dress is more of a champagne color than a bright diamond white, you’ll know that the groom likely met her at one of those appalling Planned Parenthood abortion parties where they roast fetuses on a spit like marshmallows, and hand out the morning-after pill as party favors. Disgusting!
The bride being walked down the aisle.
You love this fine demonstration of the blushing bride’s walking abilities! She learned how to walk right around the same time that she learned how to use the toilet, and you couldn’t be more proud of her. Walking in that big white dress must be HARD, especially with a vagina. Good thing she has her dad with her, helping her out! If this part of the wedding is your favorite, it means you wish that the American people would finally take a cue from brides and learn something about how to get ahead in this country….just ASK YOUR DAD FOR HELP! Isn’t that how everyone does it?
The bride being “given away.”
You love this part because, although you may not realize it, it subconsciously reminds you of the comforting traditions you’re so fond of, such as brides literally being transferred from one household to another, along with her dowry of goats and sheep. It invokes the feeling of yesteryear when the “original” definition of marriage was honored, and the woman was given to the man like a piece of property. It warms your heart to see grown women be given away, as long as no one tries to do the same with healthcare and access to safe birth control.
The bride wearing a veil.
What’s not to love about a curtain adornment covering a woman’s face? After all, nothing helps the bride to remind everyone that it’s her day, better than a layer of silk hiding her appearance. You love this for the dual purposes that it serves. For starters, Eve would have wanted it that way. The veil helps to disguise the woman’s original sin of, well, being a woman. You also love it because it will be much easier for the president to deny making any unwelcome advances toward her if her identity is completely concealed. All hail the wedding veil!
No one else wearing white except the bride.
If this is one of the things you love most about weddings, it means that you consider yourself to be very altruistic, as you are not only very possessive over your own whiteness, but the whiteness of others. In fact, it really keeps you up at night knowing that both the Michelin Man and Ronald McDonald get to identify as white, without even producing so much as a birth certificate. You plan to write your local congressman about this asap.
The bride and groom cutting the cake together.
If this is the tradition that you love most, it means that you believe that the ability to cut baked goods in a straight line is crucial to the success and longevity of a marriage. How else is the groom supposed to be reassured that his new mother (ahem, bride) will be capable of arranging his meals on the plate just how he likes it? Your passion for fine motor skills is commendable. You suspect that are good people on both sides of that cake.
The garter toss.
Although you’ve always hated handouts, there is nothing you enjoy more than seeing a group of grown men, including the bride’s male relatives, fighting amongst themselves for a chance at a piece of silk that has been wrapped around the bride’s thigh, and likely coated in her crotch sweat. This tradition is your favorite because it is the closest you will ever get to viewing pornography, and you feel a little guilty getting so much pleasure from it.
The bouquet toss.
To you, there is nothing more thrilling than seeing women compete reluctantly for cheap items that they don’t care about. It’s one of the many downsides of not having any real friends to hang out with. If this is what you love most about weddings, it means that you recently conceived a child while on vacation in one of those shit hole countries, and you think Javanka would make a lovely name if it just weren’t so damn gender neutral.
Designated wedding “colors” complete with coordinating suits for the men, and matching hairstyles with dresses for the women.
All of that aesthetic homogeneity reminds you of your two favorite things: military parades, and child beauty pageants.
“You may now kiss the bride.”
This warms your heart every time because there is nothing you love more than a man deciding what happens to a woman’s body.
The Chicken Dance
Your helmet is ready to go when they finally respond to your application for the Space Force.
