New At Trader Joe’s: Pancreatic Juice!
Trader Joe’s is thrilled to announce the addition of their newest superfood to this year’s product line up: pancreatic juice! Finally, Trader Joe’s brings their customers the highly anticipated opportunity to orally ingest their pancreatic secretions, instead of forcing their pancreas to do all the heavy lifting of producing it on its own! When you buy Trader Joe’s new pancreatic juice, you’ll not only give your pancreas a much-needed break from bearing the burden of the shitty lifestyle you’ve been living, but you’ll have the added bonus of looking like a person who actually understands what the pancreas is for!
…Or perhaps you’re one of those gastroenterologist show-offs who actually does understand what the pancreas is for, and you argue that the juice of the pancreas cannot be bottled up and sold at a grocery store as though it were the mammary secretions of cattle. To which Trader Joe’s is here to respectfully say… your dismissive attitude can eat shit. If a chicken’s ovulation cycle sells by the dozen, why couldn’t a highly essential endocrinal fluid sell by the ounce? It’s organic after all.
If you’re one of those unadventurous types thinking “gross!” please take comfort in knowing that all of our humans used to make Trader Joe’s new pancreatic juice are grass-fed, and live free-range lifestyles. They are never treated with antibiotics, artificial hormones, or cognitive behavioral therapy of any kind! During the harvesting period, all juice is extracted painlessly through IV, while our humans are hand-fed soft pretzels with the dipping sauce of their choice. Once harvested, all of our human secretion juices go through a very meticulous filtering process before being bottled and shipped, to bring you only the finest, purest of juices.
Trader Joe’s new pancreatic juice comes in a variety of delicious, refreshing flavors, and three different levels of potency, depending on the level of health you wish to achieve for your pancreas: Vegan, Holistic Healing Blogger, and Alex Trebek. As you may have inferred from the third option, the benefits of Trader Joe’s new pancreatic juice are not strictly limited to health. Our newest product provides our customers with the option for a slow and painful death, as a more creative alternative to traditional methods of suicide. In fact, Alex Trebek flavored pancreatic juice has been shown in clinical studies to amp up any lazy dormant cancer cells in the body THREE TIMES faster than your microwave, your cell phone, and even the sun! It is perfect for our customers who are suicidal, but would prefer a more gradual approach to devastating their loved ones.
Other bodily juices soon to become available:
Infant Tears: It’s about time babies made themselves useful!
Dried Bodily Mucus (variety pack): Can be used in gluten-free baking as a nutrient-rich alternative to flour.
Vaginal Secretions: Artificial lube? Not anymore!
Trader Joe’s new pancreatic juice also makes a delightful, refreshing alternative to orange or cranberry juice in a mimosa, and is sure to liven up your next brunch outing by adding a cannibalistic feel! You may even feel sort of like the Donner party, but with dietary preferences! When your server asks if you would prefer cranberry or orange juice for your mimosa, surprise and impress your brunch companions by saying “actually, I’d like pancreatic, please.” Don’t worry about the look of alarm and confusion on your server’s face. They won’t call the police if it’s before 2:00 pm. As your server retreats to retrieve your pancreatic palate pleaser, your brunch companions will gaze upon you with awe and sudden interest. To which you will very calmly and coolly respond: “Don’t worry. It’s both healthy and delicious. It’s from Trader Joe’s.”
